What a week! I knew coming into today that getting on the scale was going to be one of my highlights. The diet is about the only thing I have control over right now in life. Everything else just seems a little shaky.
As of this morning I am down 18 pounds!! Totally an exciting thing for me. I kind of thought that by the time I got to the 20 pound mark, I would be feeling so much smaller and better about my body. But the truth is, I really hardly notice. I can see a change in the way my clothes fit, but when I look in the mirror, I wonder if I really did lose anything, In the past I have watched those weight loss shows where the lady loses 100 pounds and then still feels fat as she puts on her size 5 jeans. I have even gone so far as to...(shock) judge her. How in the world do these women NOT feel small when they are??
I think that a lot of what we perceive in the mirror is less about the reflection that's there and more about how we feel about ourselves. I think that no matter how small we get, if we don't like who we are, then the reflection that we see is never going to look beautiful. So it really makes me wonder...do I like who I am looking at? I know I like certain qualities that I possess, and I am so grateful for the abilities that I have, but is that who I am? Then taking it one step further...what do I need to do in life for me to get to the point that I see beauty no matter what size I am? Who do I need to be for myself?
I am finding that this weight journey is turning more into a journey to find who I am and what I need to do in life to find joy. Nothing is superficial and external. All of it needs to be from within.
I will be 40 in 9 weeks. It seems sad that none of this has really hit home for me in my life until now! I guess I am just grateful that I am not 50 in 9 weeks, or 60. And I guess if I were, then I would be grateful I learned this lesson in this lifetime. ;)
My life over the next 2 weeks will be an emotional roller coaster. I know that it might take a good year or more to discover who I need to be for myself, and I know that if I don't work on it now, nothing I do externally will give me what I am looking for. It is a two part process, a burn down of the internal negativity to build up the beautiful from the inside, so that the external work will compliment that. I have to admit, that sounds way harder to me than simply losing weight, but that is the journey I am choosing to take. Time to feel the burn.
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Lumps in the Frosting
I missed writing last week! And I was reminded of that several times this week. It kind of amazes me that people are actually reading this stuff!
This week was just one of those surreal wonders. You know the ones I'm referring to? Crazy, fast, emotional, frustrating and at the end of which we turn around and think, did all of that really just happen? It's bad when this is in one area of your life, but when it is in several, it can be really overwhelming. That is where I end this week.
To compensate for the craziness of life, I really threw myself into staying as busy as possible. My theory was that two minute pity parties would not be able to happen if I could not find two minutes to have them in. But in doing so, I really lost track of time and noticed that I was missing meals, and staying so busy that I was not taking time to plan the way I needed to. Today when I weighed in, that showed. My weight was down, which I am happy about, but not as far as I had anticipated. I really took a look at where I faltered and what I can do better for this upcoming week and then I LET IT GO!
As a mom, wife, woman in general, I think that I put so much expectations on myself, for doing everything and being everything, And then I wonder why I become so sullen when small things don't go as planned. I put so much pride in my work, in my family, in my activities and I think that when things don't work, that pride bites me in the behind.
So today, we threw the basics in the car and drove to the coast. It was GORGEOUS and the best therapy I could have received. As I laid on the beach blanket (in the sunshine) while my family walked down to the ice water (haha), it gave me some time to really reflect. I was thinking visually of a track with my least favorite thing, hurdles. My normal strategy would be to look at those and put in my head how challenging they are going to be and what I am going to need to do, to get over them. Then I would think about my stride, how to approach, blah blah blah. It would go on and on! Nothing however really would get me to getting over the hurdles, except just running towards them and jumping. And then I thought about when I biff it on a hurdle and the fear and dread set in of having everyone see that failure and wonder what I could have or should have done differently. It occurred to me though, mid thought, that this was my race, my hurdles and that the only one really invited to help me get over those hurdles was God. Then another thought came to mind. All He wants is for me to get up and keep jumping over the hurdles. Even if I trip over them, all I need to do is just get up and keep moving forward. The others who choose to watch are probably doing so not to criticize my approach and execution, but to try to rally me to keep running my race.
Do I trip...Anyone and everyone that knows me will attest that YES I DO!! Do you? My guess is yes. My take away this week is that we need to just keep running. Don't slow down to over analyze or avoid the inevitable, just keep moving forward. Don't let your pride put you in fear of failing. See your rally team for who they are! And if your rally team is lacking, focus on the one true invitee to the race.
This week was just one of those surreal wonders. You know the ones I'm referring to? Crazy, fast, emotional, frustrating and at the end of which we turn around and think, did all of that really just happen? It's bad when this is in one area of your life, but when it is in several, it can be really overwhelming. That is where I end this week.
To compensate for the craziness of life, I really threw myself into staying as busy as possible. My theory was that two minute pity parties would not be able to happen if I could not find two minutes to have them in. But in doing so, I really lost track of time and noticed that I was missing meals, and staying so busy that I was not taking time to plan the way I needed to. Today when I weighed in, that showed. My weight was down, which I am happy about, but not as far as I had anticipated. I really took a look at where I faltered and what I can do better for this upcoming week and then I LET IT GO!
As a mom, wife, woman in general, I think that I put so much expectations on myself, for doing everything and being everything, And then I wonder why I become so sullen when small things don't go as planned. I put so much pride in my work, in my family, in my activities and I think that when things don't work, that pride bites me in the behind.
So today, we threw the basics in the car and drove to the coast. It was GORGEOUS and the best therapy I could have received. As I laid on the beach blanket (in the sunshine) while my family walked down to the ice water (haha), it gave me some time to really reflect. I was thinking visually of a track with my least favorite thing, hurdles. My normal strategy would be to look at those and put in my head how challenging they are going to be and what I am going to need to do, to get over them. Then I would think about my stride, how to approach, blah blah blah. It would go on and on! Nothing however really would get me to getting over the hurdles, except just running towards them and jumping. And then I thought about when I biff it on a hurdle and the fear and dread set in of having everyone see that failure and wonder what I could have or should have done differently. It occurred to me though, mid thought, that this was my race, my hurdles and that the only one really invited to help me get over those hurdles was God. Then another thought came to mind. All He wants is for me to get up and keep jumping over the hurdles. Even if I trip over them, all I need to do is just get up and keep moving forward. The others who choose to watch are probably doing so not to criticize my approach and execution, but to try to rally me to keep running my race.
Do I trip...Anyone and everyone that knows me will attest that YES I DO!! Do you? My guess is yes. My take away this week is that we need to just keep running. Don't slow down to over analyze or avoid the inevitable, just keep moving forward. Don't let your pride put you in fear of failing. See your rally team for who they are! And if your rally team is lacking, focus on the one true invitee to the race.
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