Enough of the Muff

What a week!  I knew coming into today that getting on the scale was going to be one of my highlights.  The diet is about the only thing I have control over right now in life. Everything else just seems a little shaky.

As of this morning I am down 18 pounds!!  Totally an exciting thing for me.  I kind of thought that by the time I got to the 20 pound mark, I would be feeling so much smaller and better about my body.  But the truth is, I really hardly notice.  I can see a change in the way my clothes fit, but when I look in the mirror, I wonder if I really did lose anything,  In the past I have watched those weight loss shows where the lady loses 100 pounds and then still feels fat as she puts on her size 5 jeans.  I have even gone so far as to...(shock) judge her.  How in the world do these women NOT feel small when they are??

I think that a lot of what we perceive in the mirror is less about the reflection that's there and more about how we feel about ourselves.  I think that no matter how small we get, if we don't like who we are, then the reflection that we see is never going to look beautiful.  So it really makes me wonder...do I like who I am looking at?  I know I like certain qualities that I possess, and I am so grateful for the abilities that I have, but is that who I am?  Then taking it one step further...what do I need to do in life for me to get to the point that I see beauty no matter what size I am?  Who do I need to be for myself?

I am finding that this weight journey is turning more into a journey to find who I am and what I need to do in life to find joy.  Nothing is superficial and external.  All of it needs to be from within.

I will be 40 in 9 weeks.  It seems sad that none of this has really hit home for me in my life until now!  I guess I am just grateful that I am not 50 in 9 weeks, or 60.  And I guess if I were, then I would be grateful I learned this lesson in this lifetime. ;)

My life over the next 2 weeks will be an emotional roller coaster.   I know that it might take a good year or more to discover who I need to be for myself, and I know that if I don't work on it now, nothing I do externally will give me what I am looking for. It is a two part process, a burn down of the internal negativity to build up the beautiful from the inside, so that the external work will compliment that.  I have to admit, that sounds way harder to me than simply losing weight, but that is the journey I am choosing to take. Time to feel the burn.